I can VIVIDLY remember sitting in the computer lab at Texas A&M University twenty years ago, crying with my fingers on a keyboard. I had a final paper due. Writing was so painfully hard for me that I couldn’t stand it. My degree is in Industrial Distribution, which is an engineering business degree, heavy on math, light on that writing stuff. Give me a math problem any day and I’m a happy girl. Math problems have definitive answers, black and white, right or wrong. I adore creativity but when it comes to schooling, writing has too much room for interpretation and it completely freaks me out. I ‘ve never thought of myself as a writer and never aspired to be one. Words on paper have historically been excruciatingly hard to muster. I’d rather write numbers or maybe draw a picture and talking to you in person would be the best option always.
I tell you all this because I want you to understand how I see myself. How I’ve seen myself for yeeeaarrrss… When God told me to start a blog a few year back I giggled, knowing this crazy idea MUST be from Him because there is NO WAY I would sign myself up for a writing gig. I mean I saved Writing 101 for the last semester of my senior year in college!!! That’s no joke. It’s no wonder I frequently doubt myself and my capability in this space.
Along the path God has been so kind to me. He gently nudges me toward the next step to take. He moved me to work on photography back before I even wrote my first post. He pushed me to reach out to other bloggers and form relationships. He encouraged me to attend conferences where I could learn and gain even more relationships. He’s told me when to say yes or no to opportunity and been patient when I didn’t listen and did things my way. Recently I felt His sovereign hand nudging me to work on growing my blog locally, in our hometown.
That is scary to my on many levels, mainly because there is a layer of comfort in not knowing everyone who reads this blog. Rarely do I tell people that I meet in person about the blog! Even Jesus was shunned in his own town and I’m nowhere close to filling his sandals! I knew this was the next step, but how did God want me to step out? He has revealed a few ways, but the first was our local newspaper, The Eagle.
I made a few phone calls, secured an appointment and went to pitch myself to the editor. f I’m being honest I wasn’t even sure what I was pitching, I was just stepping out in faith. As the editor and I chatted it was obvious to me that God’s favor was on the situation. Before I left the office they took a head shot and we discussed deadlines and print options.
When I got home I about had a nervous breakdown. My husband had to listen to me lament about this new found predicament…I was going to be a columnist for our newspaper! I was completely overjoyed and completely terrified all at the same time. I could hardly make sentences as I told my husband all the reasons this was completely crazy and I can’t believe the paper would let someone like me write an article for them. “I’m not a writer, I don’t know what I’m doing, I can’t do this! I don’t have time, what am I even going to write?” Sentence after sentence tumbled from my mouth as I sat astonished at the gift just given to me.
Many deep breaths later I landed, repeatedly, on one of my favorite verses and I rested in the peace that it brought.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
God and I had a heart to heart. If he wanted me to do this, then he would have to do it. That’s the only way it all makes sense. God sees us so differently than we see ourselves. He sees the one He created with infinite talent and possibility, because He is for us and He is in us who believe. We define ourselves with words and definitions that have limits and constraints and we do exactly that – limit and pigeonhole ourselves. We are better left allowing God to write our definition.
The words I write are not as poetic as Ann Voskamp or as funny as Jen Hatmaker, but they are mine and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are His. If you would have told me all those years ago as a sat with a keyboard bullying me that I would one day write in a newspaper I can promise you, I would have rolled my eyes and fallen on the ground laughing. But I’m not the girl I was back then, in more ways than one. Today I am a woman open to the possibility that maybe there is more to me than I give credit for, because I serve and love an abundant God who is limitless. His power, my weakness. I will never read my own words and feel prideful, It’s simply mot possible because my own words still scare me. But His words. Wow. I pray that my fingers can continue to be useful instruments as they hunt and peck on a keyboard. I pray that he will continue to fill me with creativity. I pray that he will help me manage my time effectively. I pray He will fill me. Most of all I pray that as I stumble through this journey, sharing it with you, you would see yourself through His eyes too. I pray that your fears would dissipate and your confidence would surge. His power, your weakness. You can do whatever it is He is calling you to right now. How about we pray for each other?
So it is with great joy and utter disbelief that I announce to you…I’m now a columnist for the Bryan-College Station Eagle Newspaper! I waited to share until the first article was pressed into black and white newsprint, scared they would wake up and figure out what they were doing! Please, don’t tell them how crazy nervous and unqualified I am. I’m counting on the one who is greater. So much for math problems and definitive answers, hope that editor has his red pen ready!
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